WARNING: please do not read this if you don’t want to know the ramblings going on in my head…. constantly.
early tuesday morning jarred & i drove to kansas city so that he could get on an airplane & fly to connecticut to see his family that he loves so much there. his dad’s family, jarred’s grandparents, aunts, uncles & cousins. we talked the whole way there, from 6:00 a.m. until 9:30 a.m. when he walked away, through security to get on the airplane all by himself. he walked away & i couldn’t help but think about all of the life the two of us have been through together… jarred & i. he & i have been through so much together & i remember after his daddy died i always had the feeling that it was “me & jarred against the world” & i have always felt that way about us, like we are bonded together by our experiences…. i was nervous to send him to la guardia airport in new york, not flying as a minor with someone looking after him but him just flying. him getting off the plane in that huge airport in that huge city & finding his way to the curb outside & finding his uncle out there somewhere… well, he did it no problem. he said he could handle it & he did, he is confident in himself & i am proud of that & i should trust that confidence more often. i love that boy so much. i believe in him. i know he will do great things with his life & be a great man. i am so very proud of jarred.
after leaving jarred i had a 3 hour drive back to omaha all by myself & i can’t remember the last time i have had that much time by myself… i was actually looking forward to just being. but sometimes, it can be hard to be alone with just your own thoughts for that amount of time.
my mind automatically (always) returns to tony. his birthday on saturday…. & him. his vibrant smile & his voice & his hands & his laugh & his kids & us as kids & my parents & rocky & on & on & on & on & on & on…
i just kept thinking… how do any of us make it through life without being broken? i know, there is so much goodness in the world but man, there is some real shitty & difficult stuff that get’s thrown at us & i am just not sure how we are supposed to deal with it all sometimes.
what is it that get’s us through the stuff that could potentially floor us???
is it faith?
faith in ourselves. faith in our family. faith in something bigger. faith in god. or just the faith that things will be better… someday.
oh wow, this is powerful words you have put up here. its true the constant striving to have hope, have faith, where do we get it? are we just innately wanting to be happy is that what gets us thru the sadness letting go of our little kids watching them become big kids and then people coping with sadness along with good times trying not to let the dark days out number the other days never giving in to despair sometimes it feels like life is in paragraphs not sentences patches of time not days or hours and then you look up and around and years have gone by not minutes……….love your thoughts they are profound