random “mom thoughts”

oh sweet girl, I am so lucky.

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sometimes in my head I will catch myself thinking, slow down Sophia. please slow down, stop growing, stay my baby, stay 3 forever.

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and then I realize how blessed we are that you are so healthy, that you grow & change & learn just like you should, just the way life was planned. I know that this is how life works, we all go thru it, we all begin so tiny & little & sweet & completely dependent on our parents, our care takers to love us, care for us, be gentle with our tiny bodies. we begin trusting & loving & wide eyed & excited.

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I know that when I silently wish you to stop growing I am really wishing you happiness. I am wishing that you will live a life where you are always loved the way you should be. a life where you trust in other people & your heart stays open. I just wish I could keep the “big bad” world from touching you, if I could keep you from harm & hurt forever I would give anything for that.

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unfortunately, that is not how it works. I know that we all grow & change. one day you will not need my arms to fall asleep in. one day your dad & I will have to beg for you to lay down & rest with us. one day I will try to help you, I will try to point you in a direction that seems safer than the other & if you are anything like me (you are just like me) you will choose that other direction. you wont be scared that you could possibly get hurt, you wont shy away from things that are different or scary because you will have faith in yourself, you will want to live your own life & you will want to make your own mistakes. and that will be the way that you have been raised, to be strong & confident & not afraid to be your own person. we will be proud of you for standing on your own two feet, we will be proud of you for learning from your mistakes & letting your voice be heard.

jarred & I were not seeing eye to eye recently. I was worried about him & wanted to try & force myself on him, I wanted to control the situation & the decisions he was making. he said to me “mom, you always have raised me to think for myself & be my own person, now I’m doing that & you have to let me do it the way you always said you would”

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what????

all those years I wondered if he was listening, he was. when he said that to me I was proud & shocked all in the same moment. he was right, it was time for me to let go. (a little bit)

and I let go in my own way. I felt a shift at Jarred’s graduation. in an instant I saw him differently. maybe because I could see that he saw himself & his life & his future differently, I don’t know but I felt myself inhale a big realization that this was my son in front of me & he is ok. he is more than ok, he is flourishing. for so many years with him it felt like all push & pull. i felt like i had to force control over him to get my voice heard. it came from love & i was so worried about him, i just wanted him to know how much we cared, how much he was loved & how important he is to the world. i know how easy it is to “lose your way” i understand that on our journey to find ourselves some of us get lost. i needed him to know that no matter how lost he felt, we were right here.

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i think that watching jarred graduate taught me a lot about him & about me & about our family.

i know that i will always be “that mom” with a million questions about every plan you make. i am always that mom that calls 20 times to see if you are where you should be (even though i know that isn’t fool proof because you could be anywhere with a cell phone) i am that mom that doesn’t want a text i want a call, i really just want to hear your voice, i can tell a lot just by your voice. i know that i am that mom that holds on tight & even though i know that teenagers never give the whole story, i feel like the more questions i ask the closer i am getting to that whole truth.

jarred & Mikayla have told me many times that they don’t understand why i “freak out” about the small stuff, usually chores not up to my standard & then the “big stuff” i remain calm & we figure it out. i don’t know either, i just hope that they come to me when they have a problem & we will figure it out together.

i hope that you will always be able to do the same Sophia.

our rules really are all from a place of love. but bigger than that, a place of complete heart wrenching, gut wrenching desire for nothing but the best for all three of you.

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so yes, it is true that watching your brother & sister grow up right before our very eyes has completely changed me as a mother & as a person.

i have always treasured the small every day moments with both jarred & Mikayla & i continue to do the same with you my little Sophia. lets just say that i grab onto these moments with each of you & i hold on tight.

 

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