currently…

currently around here…

shane started his new job at golf galaxy & he is busy. I know I have told him but I’m not sure if he knows just how proud of him & thankful for him I am. it is hard to go on interviews & get passed over & it is even harder to continue to put yourself out there, but he did. he hadn’t been happy at his job for quite awhile & he knew that they were getting ready to “make changes” & he worked to make a change for himself & for his family. so thankful for him. the fact that he started his new job on a Monday & Tuesday every single golf professional at his previous job got laid off, not lost on me. what if he would have gotten frustrated & stopped interviewing, what if he was laid off as a golf professional at the end of the summer with 400 others all looking for jobs at the same time. what if??? I know that he would have figured something out because that is the man that he is but still, scary. I think of all those families affected & it is horrible. I hope that they are ok.

thank you shane.

this little girl is growing & changing & so happy. this is her waking up so happy on a summer morning. love that bed head, love that smile & laugh.

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“life can only be understood backwards but must be lived forward”  Soren Kierkegaard.

I see this so clearly now.

I cant go back. cant start over. cant relive. cant change the wrongs or hang on to the rights.

jarred turning 18 has been an adjustment. I see that he is finding himself without me & I miss him but it is just the way life works. when I look at him I am proud. worried,  but proud.

it is hard for me to put this in writing but I am just going to do it… I am a better me now & I wish that jarred could have had this me for longer, when he was younger. I did the best that I could with what I knew at the time & I know I gave him love, safety & belonging. I know I gave him that. I defended his mistakes until I was blue in the face. I babied him when I shouldn’t have & probably was too tough when I should have been softer. now I just have to watch him go & it is a surreal experience. I want to hang on so tight. sometimes I feel my mind racing of all the things I should have said to him, all the things I should have taught him & now it is too late. I know, dramatic, but that is what this time feels like to me. I keep reminding myself it isn’t about me though. it is him, his life, his choices & all I can do is be here for him.

I am always here for you jarred. always.

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Sophia sleeps with us. she will do a few hours in her bed, maybe on a good night. at this point I have tried so many times to keep her in her bed & I don’t have any fight left in me when its time for her to go to bed so pretty much she just sleeps with us. but, it is good to see that at least Barbie can get a good night sleep all tucked in with plenty of room to move in her own bed!!

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summer 2014… the summer of the horse. ha.

we are visiting the horses a couple times a week now & we love it. such a great time to get out & walk & be with these sweet, amazing animals & bonus, we go in the evenings so the summer evening sun is a photographers dream!!

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Sophia is getting better at her gymnastics classes & she loves going. this is week 6 (August 5th.) she only came out of the class 3 times, which is actually really good for her!!! she is getting better at the skills too but really, right now it is all about her learning how to share, listen, follow directions & learn that while doing all those things she can still have fun. so proud of her.

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Mikayla’s marching band season is in full swing!! last week was her band camp, 8-4:30 every day. they work so hard, they learn a lot & their show this year is going to be amazing… again.

Sophia & I had fun going to watch the last hour of their practices when they were out on the field doing full music & marching run thrus & seriously, these kids work so hard!!

I really can’t say enough how happy it makes me that Mikayla has this. her band. it is her social world, it teaches her about hard work & dedication (serious dedication). it is a big world out there & when you are a 15 year old girl your just trying to make sense of it, trying to fit in somewhere. this is mikayla’s niche. it keeps her busy, it keeps her focused & all of these kids are her friends. the friends she is making in this band, she will remember them & this whole experience for the rest of her life.

there are so many pressures for girls her age & I know that having this commitment in her life is nothing but positive.

we are so proud of you Mikayla.

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Sophia is talking more & more. some favorite Sophia quotes…

“you so siwwy mama”  –  “siwwy Sophia”  –  “I hungry”  –  “I’m happy”  –  “I want ieeeee cweam”  –  “pweeeeaaase”  –  “phia howsie daddy please”, which is Sophia horsie daddy please  –  “hi there everybody”  with the everybody sounded out very intently  –  “I wove you toooooo”  –  when I tell her we are going bye bye she yells  “yaaaahhhhh hyeee”  which is Hy-Vee. so funny that is her favorite place to go, everybody knows her name & they give her cookies & suckers & tell her how pretty she is & she says “tthhhaaannnnnnnk you”  –  “nite nite mama I love you too”  –

it makes me so happy & relieved to hear Sophia talking more & more. constantly talking & I love it.

I am so proud of you Sophia.

unfortunately, I didn’t realize how much Mikayla & I say “oh my god”. we say it all the time & now, Sophia says it too. all the time. OH MY GOD!!  (see, I say it all the time). so now we are trying to say “oh boy” or “oopsie daisy” but, the damage is done (ha) now when Sophia wants attention she will scream OH MY GOD to get someone to respond to her. horrible. we are working on it, it is a process.

 

Sophia picks a flower every once in a while from the yard but I always ask her not to pick more than one, the other night we went out & cut a few bouquets to bring inside & she was the happiest little girl. I forget how much the simplest of gestures or activity is not small to her. it is big in her world & I love that. I appreciate that she get’s so excited to be able to go out & pick flowers from the garden.

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she is always twirling. always.

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Mikayla starts school in 5 days. jarred starts culinary school September 9th….. life just keeps going, moving & evolving. I guess we are lucky that it does but sometimes I wish for a pause button, but the next best thing is writing it all down here to read later. taking millions of photos & slowing down to catalog the moments in my memory. something beautiful to hold onto forever.

One Comment on “currently…

  1. oh my gosh, all these pictures are so beautiful. the pics of her waking up and that smile
    Sophia is such a happy little girl as it should be. of course Barbie in the bed is hysterical.
    love the up close unexpected photos. Jarred is growing up and growing away from that
    little boy that you remember. Now he is growing and stretching and moving away from what you have always known as familiar. It is not to late to still be a presence. it is never
    to late to love your babies. Always remember that the roots run deep. You don’t always see them, they are hidden but always connected and lead back home to you.
    Mik is also growing and learning and loving. She has found a passion in her life that makes her happy and teaches her about friendship, dedication, hard work, bonds with family and friends. And her roots are growing too but always attached to home.
    Jarred did get the best of you and still is, all of us are growing and learning, he loves you more for your honesty, passion, caring, and yes the constant pulling him back on the track when he veers off. That’s what parents do You love a lot yell a lot whats not to love??

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