sometimes it feels like the balancing act of having three completely different kids at three completely different phases in their life can become too much. sometimes I feel like I have that balance mastered & other times it feels like I am just juggling everyone’s needs & desires & wants & I could drop the ball at any moment, for any one of them or for all three. sometimes it feels like the ones that make the most noise get the most attention. good or bad.
I suppose it is personal & I shouldn’t write about it here but then I figured we can’t possibly be the only family going through this.
with one that is 18, trying to move on in life & not sure where he is headed or what he wants to do, it can add to the weight that we carry as parents. it is time to let go but it is easier said than done. no one wants to let go when everything seems so chaotic. I just wish we could find peace for our son as a family but I am realizing that we cant do that for him. no one can but him. we just keep encouraging. keep suggesting. it is hard when you realize that you cant make someone do anything. no amount of lectures or consequences are going to remedy the situation.
I keep pushing. I keep suggesting. I know it will be ok but for me chaos is crippling. when I don’t know how to “fix” a situation I panic & unfortunately I can not fix everything. I know that he will be ok, I know that he will find his place I just pray that he sees this for himself.
one is three & is certain the world revolves around her, as we all should at that age. but it is time for her to see that everyone, not just her, needs attention. she is learning & she is thriving & she is pure sunshine. that said, she pushes & she pushes & she pushes me right to the brink of my sanity.
there is nothing I would rather do than spend my days with this little sweet girl.
there is our sweet, sweet 15 year old. she get’s straight A’s, she works hard in the band, she has great friends, she helps around the house without being asked, she is amazing with her sister & she just always keeps going.
I worry that I take for granted that she is always ok. I worry that she sees how much I worry about her brother & how much time her sister takes up & that makes her want to just put her head down & not make any waves. we have great conversations & sure we butt heads & we disagree but really, I can always count on her & I just pray that she knows the same from me.
last night I told her how I felt, all these things I just wrote plus I told her how proud I am of her, how much I love her & how much I am here for her. she started crying & said thank you. we both cried & hugged & she said she knows.
it has been a long week. I have learned a lot & I learn every day what I want to be & what I don’t want to be as a parent. there will be good days & there will be bad, I know that. maybe just realizing the dynamics in our house will help us get through them, work with them, change what needs to be changed & just be happy. that is really what this is all about. I guess I stress because I worry that I am not enough for all three of them. I worry that I cant give each of them what they need because sometimes I just feel like I don’t have anything more to give. that is when I find a quiet spot (hard to do) & take a few moments to just breathe & hopefully re-emerge with a clear head, a plan, a calmer disposition & maybe just maybe an answer or two.
please don’t read this & think that our lives, any of our lives, are in turmoil. I suppose it is just a real glimpse into our everyday balance that we try to achieve around here.
I love them all for their differences. I love them all for their quirks, their mistakes & their successes. I love them all so much it hurts & maybe that is where my worry comes in.