Bolinas…

yep, this is me. polaroids circa 1999 or 2000. I look like I’m 12 years old…

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i think that i have always just tucked away those years that i lived in Bolinas, i tucked them deep inside my heart.

those years of my life feel so far away from me now.

i have spent the past 10 years not in contact with anyone from that time in my life. we had all kept in touch & i went back to visit once & then i got a few phone calls telling me of people that had passed from friends that were just telling me because they love me & they knew i would want to know. the last phone call was too much. our friend Amy had passed away from a brain aneurism. it was too much. after that, i didn’t want to answer any phone calls, not because I didn’t want to talk to them but because, in my silly little mind i thought i could tuck that part of my life away in my memory & lock it up forever. i didn’t want any of it to change. i thought if i just wasn’t in contact then all of them & that beautiful little beach town could always remain the same. how childish is that??!!! seriously.

i finally have talked to my friend Cat. my soul sister. she is beautiful & powerful & spiritual & she believes in the good in all people & that has never changed. it was amazing to talk to her. what a relief it was to speak to her. to unlock that part of my life & laugh & remember fun times. sad times. all of the crazy ass people i love there.

this is amy…

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she became a sister to me. she was jarred’s “aunt” in Bolinas. she would watch jarred when i was working, bartending at Smiley’s. she watched jarred while i went to school over the mountain in town. she was funny & crazy & adorable & beautiful & so smart. i will always remember her laugh & her hilarious, hilarious stories. Bolinas is a tiny little beach town, far away from the rest of the world in west Marin county, just north of san Francisco & i never really went to the city much to see music after Jarred’s dad passed away & then i met amy. we would go to all the reggae shows, she was in love with a guitar player in one of the bands. oh man she loved that man & she deserved so much more than what he was willing to give her. she was an incredible artist, her paintings & drawings were amazing. i wish i still had a painting of hers.

Rebecca, Amy & me, relaxing at the old Jefferson Airplane house. apparently I didn’t believe in sunscreen back then. ha. this is the last house before the beach. right behind us is the Pacific. at the time I knew I was lucky, I loved living there, like, loved it. but now looking back, i’m not sure if I really did appreciate just how lucky I was to be there, raising my son, in this amazing place with these beautiful people.

when I left & moved to Omaha, I knew it was my time to go. it was my time to move home & I will never regret that move.

but, this time of my life is so very special to me. this time in my life is the only time in my adult life where I feel like I had girlfriends that were my sisters, we would do anything for each other, we were family. the only other woman I have felt that with is my mom. this time in my life is special to me because of these beautiful girls…

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my favorite time to go to the beach was during a rain storm. the ocean was huge & violent & loud & I loved the noise & then after the storm the tide was low & if you were lucky you could find a fossilized sand dollar that had washed up in the storm. it is the only beach in the united states where that happens, I think that they wash up from the reef. just amazing.

at one point, right after Dave passed away, I had nowhere to live. I moved in with Rebecca, her son Avi who was the same age as Jarred & of course they were ALWAYS together, our friend Mary & our friend Hildi. seriously, I never had the college sorority experience & i’m pretty sure this was pretty close. ha.

then I found a little spot for Jarred & I to call home. I was so proud of that little house!! it was right off the Bolinas lagoon, right across from the little school house where jarred would go for kindergarten & first grade. it was peaceful & special to me. when I moved in the whole “back yard” was overgrown with blackberries & weeds. I cleared the weeds & spent weeks bringing rocks home from the beach in buckets & I made the whole back yard into flower beds bordered by these beach rocks & fossils & drift wood. I loved it. there was an old large wood storage container in the back yard, we put it on legs & made it into jarred’s bunnies home. he got a bunny for easter & he named it Lovey. oh my word he loved that bunny, poor Lovey got eaten by some dogs. poor Lovey. we also had 2 chickens. one chicken’s name was Rosemary & that stupid chicken used to come in thru the open window & either just sit on the window sill or we would get home & he would be perched on the back of the kitchen chair. uhm yah, loved it!!

this is Rebecca & Avi & Amy & Jarred. this is our breakfast we had the morning before Rebecca & Avi moved to upper New York state with her then boyfriend, now husband. they have since had a little boy & I have yet to talk to Becca but I cant wait to. she was my first friend in Bolinas. we were so close. we lived together, we worked together, we did everything together for years.

this morning, of this breakfast, I was so sad. I was crushed to watch my friend go. I was happy for her & her new adventures but I was sad for me because I loved her.

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this is Mary & her cute, cute son Mason. I was friend’s with Mary before Dave passed away. she babysat Jarred for me when I went to school & when my mom got married to Joe in Lake Tahoe she came with us to help watch Jarred while we went out with them.

my relationship with Mary became so strong. she is such a strong, funny, funny, woman.

I love them all.

I cant believe I don’t have any pictures of me & Cat. I have to keep digging, I know I have some somewhere.

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Jarred’s preschool graduation. yes, the banner says “somewhere over the rainbow there is a place called Bolinas”  it is true.

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jarred & I flying a kite on easter on the hill atop our house. uhm, see what I mean, just majestic…

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this is Smiley’s. this is where I worked. the only bar in town. where everyone went. this is my going away party. I have a picture of everyone there that night out in the street taken from the balcony on Smiley’s I can not believe all the people that were there. that night was amazing. it was sad. I cried but at the same time I was so excited to be moving home. bittersweet I guess.

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a brief moment in time in the span of an entire life but this moment had such an impact on who I am today.

I am done hiding these memories from myself. these are happy memories & I am lucky to have them…
Thank you Cat for not giving up on me. thank you for reaching out time & time again without any response from me. I am so grateful for that. I am grateful for you.

 

 

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