truths…

I feel like I have always been a “fixer” I feel lost when I cant fix a problem, especially when it comes to my kids. I don’t like loose ends, they make me nervous. man, I am starting to sound a little neurotic. ha.

I have found that there are just certain things that mom’s do to protect their kids. one of them being, sugar coating the truth or leaving out the whole truths about mistakes, fights, disagreements, bad decisions, etc…

I have made PLENTY of mistakes as a mother & I know I am on track to make some more. one thing I know I have always done is only want the best for my kids, push for the best for them, love them with everything inside of me no matter the circumstance.

it was an awakening like no other when my oldest started having behavior problems, acting out for attention, making bad decisions & so on.

it is a surreal experience to look at another human being, that you brought into this world, & see nothing but potential, great potential. you can feel it in your bones, in your heart, in your entire body that this person was born to do great things & when you see that they don’t see that for themselves it is an ache like no other. tears like no other. worry like no other.

so you keep pushing & you keep backing down on your requests of them because you want to give them a break. you know they are having a hard time & you don’t want to “kick them when they are down”

all you want to do is help them thru this time. you keep telling yourself that one of these days they are going to wake up & they are going to see themselves the way you see them, amazing & talented & strong & loving & funny & capable of anything.

but then what happens when that awakening never happens. how long do you hold on. is it truly helping them if you just keep going day after day with no changes, no effort from them & you are just standing there watching it all feeling helpless & lost & watching the storm that they bring into your home & just trying to stay on the fringe of their chaos. how long can someone live like that?

how, as a parent, do you finally come to that realization that you are not helping them in a positive way anymore. how do you come to terms with the fact that you can actually be the one hurting them when all you are trying to do is to give them every chance in to world to grow up because that is how you believe you raised them. to stand on their own.

and then when the time comes for them to make their own decisions you watch them make the wrong ones. over & over. how do you not feel guilt for that.

you just keep telling them over & over that you love them that you believe in them & you look in their eyes & you know they aren’t hearing you. it is an ache like no other.

to say to your child that you cant have their chaos in your home anymore. the home they grew up in. the home where their family is.

& then you get a grip & you see that this person standing in front of you is no longer your baby. they are grown. making grown up decisions. & you finally see that you cant influence their decisions anymore.

so you let go. you rip off the band aid.

you cry. you ache. you hurt. you worry.

but you have to do it. for your own sanity. for your younger children. for your marriage.

you have to do it & all the while you hate every second of it. all you want to do is to hug him & tell him everything is going to be ok & have him believe you. all you want to do is to make him feel all better, the way you used to when he was little.

& then you get a grip & realize that that time is gone.

yes you will always, always be here waiting for him to ask you for help. you will always be aching & praying for that day when he comes to you & says he is ready for help. & you will be there to do anything in your power to help him.

these are my truths as a mother today.

praying, hoping, longing for the day when he & I will be what we used to be. longing for the day when our relationship is taken to that next level & he can come to me as a man & talk to me about his life & his future & his dreams. I dream of that day.

I suppose we have to go thru this storm to get to that point. so I will anchor myself to my family & I will wait for him to be ready to accept our help. to take responsibility for his own actions & I pray that soon he will see how amazing he truly is.

until then, I am always here for you Jarred. always your mom. always believing in you. always.