so I am just going to write this out.

people say that loss gets easier with time. sometimes it does, yes. but, sometimes it just doesn’t.

sometimes with every passing year it becomes more real. it actually gets harder. the pain gets deeper. the wound fresher. the loss greater.

I miss my brother. yes. but I am beginning to realize that I miss my parents son more. I miss my nieces & nephew’s daddy more. I miss my brother’s brother more. I miss our kids’ uncle more. I miss my grandparents grandson more. I miss my aunt & uncles nephew more. I miss my cousin’s cousin more.

does this make any sense?

this is what it feels like. it feels like all the walls caving in, the floor dropping out, the tears falling, the earth shaking, the air blowing strangely all at the same time.

I know, sounds dramatic. but this is what it feels like.

and there is nothing to do.

there is no answer.

there is no fix.

except to keep moving. keep moving. keep breathing. in & out. keep the joy. keep living. keep remembering. keep laughing about the good ol days. keep talking about this person because you never want anyone to ever forget they were here & they were huge & amazing & so much to so many people.

I don’t know what else I have to say. there is so much emotion.

I got off work today & the tears started streaming down as soon as I walked out that door. I couldn’t hold it in for one more second. & now. I just feel quiet. I just want to sit in silence.

and then I want to hug my kids, my husband, my parents, my brother. and then I want to tell them how much I love them.

and tonight I will make dinner, I will play outside with Sophia, we will give her a bath, I will lay down with Sophia & shane tonight & I will take a deep breathe.

And I will be thankful for all of the memories.

I just got a text from my mom & I have to share this story…

yesterday, at the pool with mik & Sophia we had just got back in the pool from a rest break & the life guards blew their whistles again. no one knew why. then over the intercom we hear “everyone out of the pool, the pool is contaminated”

oh my gosh.

so yah, a little person had pooped in the pool. gross.

but I was cracking up. all I could think about was caddyshack & the baby ruth & everyone yelling “doooody” I text shane to tell him what was happening & he text back “you have to yell doooody”

I didn’t yell “dooooddy” but I did laugh a lot. caddyshack is a classic from our childhood & if tony had been there, he would have yelled “doooodddy”

mom, you are right. it is a reminder & a message to laugh & love & live…




One Comment on “

  1. Love this. You are so right. Time is supposed to help heal our sorrow of losing my son, your brother, their daddy. I keep wishing. Not working
    So I just keep moving.
    I love you
    Love love the photos.

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