life changes…

well, needless to say it has been a very emotional few days.

so, of course, I had to make a video. hahahaha.

looking back, thru the masses of photos. boxes & boxes of them, scrapbooks, mini books, flash drives, hard drives, computer files, this blog, etc…. the pictures are everywhere.

I realized that what my love for photography has given me is time with my kids. time with the people I love most.

each of these photos is just a split second. a millisecond caught in time & recorded forever. but, when I look at these photos I see all of the millions of moments surrounding these. I remember that day, that moment. what we were talking about, the happy times, the struggles, the laughter, the tears. these photos give me that.

they are like the song or the smell that reminds you of the person you loved & is no longer here. these photos stir up those emotions & memories for me.

and for that I am eternally grateful.

I don’t know if the kids & I would have just gotten in the car & drove, with no real destination if it were not for my love of photography. just driving, listening to music, talking, just looking for somewhere cool to pull over, get out & get some shots.

every trip like that they complained. “oh my goooooooddddddd, why are we doing this”  “are we almost done”  “this is the last stop”

and everytime I would say  “just a little further”  “this is the last time we will park & get out”  & then we would park & get out 20 more times.

yes they complained but I know they loved it. it was our time to connect.

when jarred was first born & I had gone back to school I was in a lot of photography classes. he was my muse. we would drive down highway 1 or walk to the beach or walk the cliffs over the ocean & I would take photos & we would run & laugh & chase the sun.

it was our time to adventure together.

looking back, I have always done that with my kids. as Mikayla & jarred got older it turned into me capturing them doing the things they love to do or me just capturing them on a cold evening sitting around the kitchen table. me capturing them running thru some random field somewhere for no other reason than it was something fun we could do together.

of course, we all know as mothers that the day your child moves out, moves on, turns the page. whatever you want to call it, we all know that that is going to be a hard day. I knew I was going to be emotional, I just didn’t realize HOW emotional.

I wanted him to go. I know that he needed a change in order to begin his very own journey. to find his passions & his life pursuits. to begin his life as himself. he needed to do this & I am proud of him for doing this.

but still, it is a loss. he is my son. he is my first born. he & I, we are so alike. he hates that we are so alike. haha. I know that in order for him to dream bigger he had to make a big move. I was the exact same way & I so appreciate & love & admire that about him.

but still, he isn’t here. it is a drastic life change & it just takes some getting used to. I am working on it.

I am so thankful that I have all of these moments to look back on. I am excited for the future & what it holds for jarred & Mikayla & Sophia. I know we have many more adventures to go on together & that keeps me smiling…

I knew the day was coming that he would be leaving. he knew. we all knew & still it wasn’t real until it happened. I am so, so thankful for my mom inviting us over for an impromptu send off for jarred. mom & arthur & rocky & mike & kera & the kids, I am so so grateful & happy that they could be there. it meant so much to me that they were there.  it wasn’t until we got ready to leave, I started crying. couldn’t stop. then Anthony started crying & my mom & that just made me cry more. love you all so much. love that we love & support each other & our nieces & nephews the way that we do… thank you.

and I love this shot so much. mike’s face is priceless! jarred was standing there & we were all staring at him, waiting for him to say something profound. love it…

the moment we said good bye. I was a mess. I knew I was making him nervous but I couldn’t help it. we both cried. I said a few things I needed to say & I think he did too. what do you say in these moments?? I guess you just say I love you. I love you. I love you…

miss you jarred. you are a beautiful human being. you make me proud.

love you to the moon & back…