uhm, I never thought it would bother me. I guess im not really bothered by it, I am more just surprised by it.
what does it mean? well, I guess it just means that I have been here for 40 years.
I guess I am still trying to figure out if I am more Tim McGraw “wish I knew then what I know now” or more Bob Seger “wish I didn’t know now what I didn’t know then” about the whole thing.
I guess the whole point of looking at your birthday as a milestone is being able to see, clearly, all of the things you have learned along the way. but what is different now I think is that I also look forward to all of the things I will learn in the future. I don’t know, please tell me I am not the only one but when I was 20, man, I thought I knew a lot. I thought I had lived a lot. I guess that’s what living on the road will do to you. you see things, you live things, that maybe you shouldn’t have but nonetheless, you did. I thought that because I had seen the country, met so many different people, lived in some crazy, beautiful places, I thought I had license to claim that I had lived.
and then, you grow up. you are still you. I am still me. my views on the world haven’t really changed too much since I lived that life. I have just carried those things with me. and now, I am just me.
I could never really wish that I knew then what I know now & mean it. I mean, if you don’t live it & learn it the hard way or the joyous way, then it doesn’t really mean anything down to your core.
but yes, sometimes I do really feel like I could just not know now what I didn’t know then. pain. loss. death. worry. tears. longing. mistakes. regret.
yes, sometimes I wish life would take it all back.
but then, we would lose the joy. we would lose the memories. we would lose the reason that we felt such loss in the end, we would lose the highs that dropped out to our lows.
I guess what I am saying is I realize now that the joy & sorrow, they truly do coexist. from one day to the next, we just don’t know and that scares the crap out of me.
at some point in all of our lives we have to make the decision if we are going to be happy. if we are going to put one foot in front of the other & just keep going.
I remember making that decision three times in my life. once that decision is made, it is made. until the next time you find yourself in a dark place & you have to ask yourself that same question.
is it worth it?
it is always worth it.
the pain is always worth the joy. the tears are always worth the laughter. the worry is always worth the calm.
if I can teach my kids one thing I hope that I teach them that life isn’t always roses & smiles & easy.
and that is ok.
some days are hard. some decisions are hard. we make mistakes. we feel guilt. we feel sorrow.
but we move on because life is also the most beautiful thing we could ever imagine.
I hope that I can teach them that feeling sad is ok. I hope I can teach them that during those times of uncertainty the only thing we can truly be certain about is that we are loved. we are worth it. we will smile again. we will laugh again. we will feel joy again. if we can just hang on thru those tough moments, we will get back to happiness again.
I hope that I have shown them that.
it is a journey. I know, how cliché is that?? but truly, it is.
I am just now seeing that every little piece of it adds up to who we are. every person that has ever impacted our lives is forever a part of our lives, whether we like that or not. good or bad it brought you to who you are today.
so, bring it on 40.
I hope I see 40 more & when I am 80 I can look back on this post & laugh about all the things I thought I knew.
that is the funny thing about life, it is always changing. evolving. we are constantly changing, evolving.
& it is scary & beautiful & thoughtful all at once.
I hope to notice the beauty & the pain & hold it all close. I hope to remember it all. I hope to learn from it all.
and mostly, I hope to live out my words. I hope to show my loved ones how much I love them. I hope to show strangers that I care. I hope to make people smile.
I hope to feel all of the feelings, deep inside. whether they are joy or sorrow, I just hope to feel them all.
then I will know I am truly living…